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Darius Sees Red
TOTP Website 13 January 2005
Ever wondered what Darius is like when he's angry? Well, we wound him up before starting the interview, and then we asked him some really annoying questions just to see what would happen...
TOTP: What does it take to make you really angry?
Darius: Oh, just present me with a queue. Anybody in front of me, and I'll be very angry.
TOTP: Tapping-your-feet angry?
Darius: No, I tend to beat people up. I've got several court cases pending.
TOTP: Have you ever really lost it with someone?
Darius: Yeah, I also get road rage. Don't ever cut in on me, or you'll get a ram up the...bumper.
TOTP: What would you do if we were to just sit here and repeat everything you say back to you? Would that really wind you up?
Darius: You'd probably have that microphone stuffed down your throat and your legs broken.
TOTP: [interrupting] We'd have the microphone stuffed down our throat and our legs broken?
Darius: Just try it! Go on, go on, just push me!
TOTP: Push you?
Darius: [laughs]
TOTP: What would be the most irritating thing we could possibly do to you during this interview?
Darius: Continuing to ask questions that are winding me up like this. I'm just starting to lose my temper. Right now.
TOTP: Excellent, we're doing well so far, then. When you've been on TV and they've asked you to do something stupid, or they've put cake over your head or something, have you just wanted to turn around and punch the presenters?
Darius: [laughs] Once I rugby-tackled Ortis on Xchange.
TOTP: Did he see the funny side?
Darius: It didn't go down too well with his mum, he busted his lip.
TOTP: Was that on camera, or behind the scenes?
Darius: I think that was on camera.
TOTP: So that's showing up on a bloopers tape coming to us soon, then?
Darius: Yeah, yeah, on the out-takes. Actually, it was on Crimewatch, it was "Who was this tall dark Scot?"
TOTP: Do you ever get irritated by really petty things? Like if you can't find your keys, or you lose the remote control, or something...
Darius: No. I've been taking anger-management classes.
TOTP: How do you cope with your anger?
Darius: I tend only to punch walls if I can't find them after five minutes. As opposed to two.
TOTP: So you spend a lot of money on plastering, then...
Darius: [to his PR team, ignoring us] Has anyone seen my phone? [Slams his hand down on the table angrily.]
TOTP: Who was the last person you got really angry with, and what did they do to you to make you angry?
Darius: It was probably the porter this morning. He swung the revolving doors around as I was going through with my guitar, and he swung them around so far that I ended up flying out the other side.
TOTP: So what did you do to him?
Darius: Let's just say that he's not at the front door now. He's tending his wounds at the back. Ouch.
TOTP: We mentioned this briefly earlier, but do you have any good tactics for coping with anger and stress?
Darius: [challengingly] Do I look like I do?
TOTP: [nervously] We don't know. Do you want us to think you look like you do?
Darius: [laughs] I'm very much of the belief that you should express how you feel. The original lyric to 'Colourblind' was not "Feeling red, when you're spending all your time with your friends and not me instead", it's "Feeling red, when you spend all your time with your friends and I want to smash you in the head." But I'm glad I didn't put that into the radio edit.
TOTP: Yeah. There might be complaints.
Darius: It's not such a romantic lyric.
TOTP: And it's a bad example to set to the kids.
Darius: Mmmm.
TOTP: Is that quite a good way of curing your rage, then - getting it out in the form of a song?
Darius: I'd much rather feel the love than feel the anger.
TOTP: Have you ever met any other celebrities who really annoyed you?
Darius: Yes. Yeah.
TOTP: Are you going to tell us who they are?
Darius: Well, have you ever wondered why David Sneddon isn't around any more? It's because his music annoyed me so much, I killed him.
TOTP: Is he buried under your patio?
Darius: Did I say that out loud?
TOTP: We won't ask you what you did with the body, just in case the police are reading this. Finally, what's the worst thing that anger has ever made you do?
Darius: Umm...where do I begin?
TOTP: Apart from killing David Sneddon, obviously.
Darius: Apart from...killing David Sneddon was up there. But it probably won't be as bad as killing you.
TOTP: Well, in that case, we'd better terminate this interview before you terminate us. Darius, thank you!
Remember, kids, violence isn't clever (and neither is murder, obviously). Darius was just kidding.